Episode 10 (15 weeks): Gender Identification

A rather amusing story to lighten the mood:
Jeremy and I were determined not to find out the gender of our problematic bundle of joy. How amazing the surprise will be! How fun to keep everyone, including ourselves, guessing! Our family had already had a boy, girls, twins, but no one had kept the gender a surprise. We could be a first "something"!

However, as it became apparent that we would be peeking into our little one's world once or twice a week for (hopefully) a very long time, it seemed the possibility of keeping it a surprise was a bit naive. Eventually, it would become pretty clear to us what color layette we should be dreaming about.

So, when asked at our 15 week sonogram if we would like to know the sex of the baby, we both hesitated. Maybe we should just give in now and get a bit of great news for once? As the sono tech flashed over my belly while we debated, I could clearly see "that area." (This is where the rather amusing part of the story begins.)

"Oh! I exclaimed. "I already saw the baby's bottom! I already know what it is, so you might as well know too, Jeremy."

After ensuring that we both wanted to know the gender, the tech asked what I thought the baby was.

With attitude and all, I replied definitively, "It's a GIRL! I know it's a girl!" (I had seen my fair share of sonos, people. I thought I knew what I was talking about!)

The tech just rolled her eyes, and patiently typed, "BOY," on the screen.

After I got over feeling like an absolute fool I gazed into Jeremy's watery eyes and just let it all soak in.

A Boy? A boy. A son. Can you even believe it?! A SON! We have a son. All we have been through and so much unknown yet to come is all because of our fearfully and wonderfully made, absolutely perfect Son. Thank You, God. A son...

So now came the most fun thing since telling our family I was pregnant. Telling our family that it's a BOY!

After a quick phone call to my sister and BFF DeAnn (coincidentally pregnant with twin boys!), we headed out the waiting room where my sister-in-law, Erica, just happened to be waiting to see my wonderful ob herself. As I waited in line to check out, Jeremy casually sauntered over (trying to mask all of his manly pride!) and held out the revealing sono picture. Erica immediately started crying, so thrilled for us that we had a son. Being the mother of a tiny boy herself, she knew the joys he would bring.

We told my parents next, since my Dad had driven me to my appointment. Both of my parents were a little dumbfounded and speechless at first. They had assumed the baby would be a girl, since they had produced two girls. Not sure what to do with a tiny, rambunctious Boy, they began collecting bits of blue and bouncy balls almost immediately. Their excitement only mounted as they anticipated days full of creek wading, Lego building and ball rolling. Our tiny Boy already occupied such a large chunk of their hearts!

That evening, after everyone was home from work, we invited Jeremy's parents over to watch the sono video with us. We provided no information, just let the video unfold. As we all cozied up on my bed where I was tucked in and keeping still (the bleeding was super bad since I had been up and around for the appointment), we could hardly contain our excitement. Finally, we got to the part of the video when the tech typed "Boy." There was a collective gasp and then claps and cheers all around. They were thrilled to be adding a second grandson to the family.

So here is our little guy's profile at 15 weeks gestation. Beautiful!

In other health news, nothing much had changed. Still bleeding; still carrying around an enormous blood clot; still just praying and waiting. But now, at least I know exactly who I am praying for. Tiny Boy Halpin. And oh how I love him!

Episode 9 (15 wks): Jehova Jireh, the LORD Will Provide

We serve an awesome God, a good God, a God who cares about the most minute details, details that only He could know would be of such importance to me. Our God is good and He shows me His love for me in such unique ways. It would be impossible to list all the ways He provided for Jeremy and me during this trial, but I will list just a few of the ways that touched my heart the most. In all of them, He used the active, thriving Body of Christ to minister to my hurting heart.

At the time, J and I were members of a wonderful church called Watermark. Once the good folks at Watermark got wind of our situation, especially the fact that this could go on for weeks or months, they cheerfully pitched right in to help. Between Watermark and our families, we had meals delivered to our front door three times a week for the next 10 weeks! Our food needs were completely provided for! And I could rest at ease that Jeremy had been relieved of at least one responsibility.

Remember that lovely house we closed on way back in Episode 2? Well the time was drawing near that we were to be moving in. The nesting urge was strong as there was packing and cleaning to be tended to and a new home to dream about decorating and settling in to. Unfortunately, my body was just not cooperating. Any time I as much as rolled over to change position, the blood would gush again. Actually, the only position in which the flow would stop was flat on my back. But my sweet Lord provided for us perfectly once again. My Dad was between jobs at this point in his career. He and my Mom spent many afternoons packing, packing, packing away, following my directions to a tee so that I would feel some sort of control over this completely out of control situation.

My most frivolous provision came to be because of the sensitive heart of my sister-in-law, Julianne. What newly pregnant Mom-to-be doesn't dream of the day when she can legitimately shop for maternity clothes, sporting her newly popped baby belly? Well now that the ulcer was under control and my weight was no longer dropping, I was starting to show a tiny bit and my "lounge wear" was beginning to feel a bit snug. I sent my sweet Husband to Target with specific instructions as what to hunt for: stylish yet comfortable, roomy yet not tent-like, cute but not cutesy clothing to wear to the doctor and while ticking away the hours in bed. Poor, poor Jeremy. I have never seen him so befuddled! (And I don't blame him! Quite a tall order for a guy dealing with a hormonal wife!) After many phone calls home and quite awhile at Target, he came home with one tiny bag: a white T shirt and a pair of pajama pants. Super sweet and comfortable no less, but this just wasn't going to cut it for the next 5 months!

The very next day, amazing Julianne showed up at my apartment door. She had bought every single maternity item Target carried and brought it to my bedroom. This was better than shopping on-line! I could touch the clothes, model them, put together outfits, keep the stuff as long as I wanted, and then Ju would return the castoffs for me. Only Julianne would realize how important it was to me to be able to select a few cute things to wear on my very few and far between outings. My heart was so encouraged and lifted up by her sensitivity to my desires.

God even went so far as to provide me with the most amazing bed rest Buddy! My wonderful friend Jenn and I got pregnant only a couple of months apart. I was so excited to be going through this miraculous process with one of my best friends, especially since we shared our most amazing doctor. But then she started to have problems, almost from the get go. She was eventually put on bed rest a few weeks after me. Although I was (of course!) terribly saddened that she was having issues with her precious baby, it was invaluable to have a friend always just a phone call away, laying in her bed knowing exactly what I was going through. We were able to encourage each other's hearts, be a sounding board for each other, understand each other's fears and hopes like no one else. What a sweet, sweet friend God gave me when He introduced me to Jenn. We have only grown closer since those scary times. (Her Big Boy is now almost four, by the way! Gorgeous and thriving!)

Just putting into writing a very few of the awesome ways God provided for screwed up human me brings tears to my eyes and joy to my soul. That the God of the universe would even care if I had a friend to lean on or clothes to choose from, or even food that Jeremy didn't have to cook and boxes filled without me lifting a finger blows my mind! He loves me and cares about the tiniest of details. Of course this same God is loving my tiny baby completely and does not take His eyes off of him (or me!) for even a second. I can trust Him. I will trust Him. He demonstrated His immense love for me with such compassion and tenderness. I will lay here and let Him love me, let Him teach me about His heart. I will not come away from this experience unchanged. Mold my heart to look like Yours, God. Change me...and I trust you with our baby.

Episode 8 (14 wks): Jehova Adonai, The LORD Our Sovereign

The next hours and days were so very long, as I continued to bleed heavily at home. There was so much information to dwell on as I did nothing but lay flat on my back, and in the constant forefront of my mind was the fact that my doctor was not as hopeful as she had once been...and she was not incredibly hopeful to begin with! She knew it would be a miracle if our baby survived. There were too many things going wrong. She was not hopeless, just not as hopeful. I know she wanted my heart to be prepared.

So while I was laying there, alternating between fretting and trusting, sleeping and praying, the Lord gave me two things to comfort me: a passage of Scripture and a song. How kind the Lord is to anxious little girls. He knew just how much I needed reassurance, not that everything was going to be okay, but of His character, His proven character that is unchanging.

I Samuel 1:26-28

(Hannah, who was barren, prayed to the Lord for a son. He answered her prayer, and now that Samuel was weaned, Hannah brought him to the temple to live with Eli the priest, just as she promised God she would.)

"'As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.' And he worshipped the LORD there."

This baby is God's baby, first and foremost. No matter what the outcome, he is God's baby, the child I prayed for, and he will be given over to the Lord for his whole life.

The song is an oldie but a goodie sung by Babbie Mason. It was one of our family faves as I was growing up. The lyrics are so wonderful and hopeful and true:

Trust His Heart
"All things work for our good

though sometimes we can’t see how they could.

Struggles that break our hearts in two

sometimes blind us to the truth.

Our Father knows what’s best for us;

His ways are not our own.

So, when your pathway grows dim,

and you just can’t see Him,

Remember He’s still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.

God is too good to be unkind.

So when you don’t understand,

when you don’t see His plan,

When you can’t trace His hand,

trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.

He holds the future in His hands.

So don’t live as those who have no hope.

All our hope is found in Him.

We walk in present knowledge,

but He sees the first and the last.

And like a tapestry, He’s weaving you and me

to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.

God is too good to be unkind.

So when you don’t understand,

when you don’t see His plan,

When you can’t trace His hand,

trust His heart."

I can trust my God's heart with confidence! I know His heart and it is only good. My God is sovereign. In Him alone is my hope.

Epsiode 7: Admitted at 13 Weeks

What a great week! Two fun outings and a relaxed frame of mind. I could handle this not-so-stressful type of bedrest.

After a delish dinner at Mom and Dad's, Jeremy and I headed home to watch a movie. Not too much past the opening credits, however, I could tell something was not right. (This may get a little uncomfortably graphic...especially for people such as my dad and dad-in-law...you may want to just skim this next part.) I kept sensing odd gushes. Rushing to the potty, there was once again blood running down my leg into puddles on the floor. That's never good. "Just take deep breaths, Rae. It'll pass," I kept telling myself. I cleaned up and headed back to bed to watch some more movie. I was pretty crampy but not doubled over, so I hesitated mentioning anything to Jeremy. (Jeremy and I do so well together. He is prone to panicking, while I way under-react to things like this. What a great balance! Part of my under-reacting, however: not mentioning possibly important facts.) After about ten minutes had passed, I was noticeably damp, as were my pj's and the sheets. Hmmm. Maybe this justifies telling my husband. Panic ensued and he immediately started packing to head to the ER. Meanwhile, I was soaking through overnight pads every 5-10 minutes. At this point, I conceded that maybe I did need some medical attention.

Having never done this before, we headed to the Baylor ER (Instead of going straight to L&D triage, which we soon learned is much better equipped for such occurrences. We just weren't thinking.). Jeremy was really freaking out, which helped me remain calm somehow. (Isn't it cool how God works that out between couples?) I surely was scared for the baby, but somehow it all seemed kind of surreal, even as it was happening. Maybe it was the drastic blood loss? I don't know. We were seen immediately by the ER doctor, who was an incredibly young, uncomfortable with gushing blood from down there type of guy. After a quick sono, it was determined that Baby was doing just great, not stressed out at all by this incredible blood loss, happy as a bug in a rug swimming around inside...and what a cutie he was! Just glimpsing the little guy made everything seem so much more okay. The docs ran a ton of tests, sent every type of sample imaginable, and then shuttled me off to a room to spend the next couple of days on IV fluids. Thankfully, I never needed a blood transfusion, to the great surprise of all involved.

The bleeding ebbed and flowed (literally) for the next two days. My doctor wanted to keep me until one pad was lasting longer than an hour. This did not happen until late the next day. Again, my wonderful doc was amazed that my hematocrit never dropped below that magical number of needing a transfusion. We were privileged to get two more sonos during my stay. Just seeing my tiny jumping bean gave me so much peace and hope. Not only was he doing okay, he was absolutely perfect. He? No we did not find out the gender. Still way too early and we were hoping to keep it a surprise. We just always referred to the baby as a he, and in our hearts his name was already Owen (more on that later!).

So what exactly was wrong with me? It was that durned clot. It was still growing by leaps and bounds. The more I bled, the bigger it grew, causing me to bleed more. A vicious cycle. So what was the plan? Again, I heard way too many times, "If you make it that far..." The clot needed to come out for the baby to have room to grow and thrive. It was now pretty sizable though, a little larger than a tennis ball. The doctor was worried that I would have to dilate for it to pass, and if I dilated there was a very good chance the baby would be delivered too. There was nothing we could do but wait, lay very still and wait. Good-bye outings! I was put back on strict bedrest, only permitted to take a quick shower and use the restroom.

Lord!

Show me your face in this scary time. May I cling to you. Reveal your character more fully to me through this trial. Help me to take my anxious thoughts captive and commit them to you. You are in control and love this child more than we could ever love it. You have a perfect plan. May I rest in you. May this be a time of active learning while I rest. I do not want this time to go to waste.

Episode 6: The Purple Pill and Things Are Looking Up!

Two weeks later, now a whopping 12 weeks preggers (Do I hear a hoo-ha for making it through the first trimester?!), things were looking up. After losing five more pounds and a barrage of yucky tests, I was diagnosed with a gastric ulcer provoked by pregnancy hormones. Thus began my love affair with a miraculous purple pill: Nexium. Double the normal dose and a week or two later, and I was a whole new woman!

I was feeling so relieved, physically and emotionally, having made it past the normal range of usual miscarriages. Now that I was feeling better, I anticipated that bedrest would become more of a sacrifice than it had been. But more great news! At my 12 week ob appointment, my beloved doctor released me to have more light outings. Nothing huge and not every day, but maybe I could sit quietly at the movies or go to my Mom's house for dinner. I followed directions to the tee by meeting the Halpin side of the fam girls to catch a movie and a few days later warming my Mom's couch to enjoy a family dinner. Oh, thank you, Lord. I loved being up and about a bit with more to look forward to than the next episode of Dawson's Creek.

Episode 5: Side Effects

Being a pregnant newlywed, on bedrest, has its side effects, physical and emotional.

First of all, the physical. I was suffering from some sort of strange ailment. By the time of my next appointment at 10 weeks, I had lost more than 15 pounds. I couldn't eat because of horrific stomach pain. At first, I was encouraged. "Oh! I'm morning sick! That means the pregnancy is still sticking!" I was almost thankful for the shooting pains that kept me in the fetal position for most of the day, convinced it was a good sign. (I promise you I am not being dramatic here. Jeremy found me in the fetal position every day after work.) But after discussing my symptoms with a few girlfriends, I discovered that what I was experiencing was far from morning sickness. With the fear of sounding like a complaining baby to my ob (I should just be grateful I was still pregnant...and I was grateful, just in a lot of PAIN!), I finally confessed my symptoms. She had sensed something was wrong when I almost passed out from lack of calories walking to her office. She scheduled a battery of tests for me and an appointment with a gastroenterologist.

Emotionally, I was also struggling. Here I was, a newlywed, so excited to have set up apartment life with my Honey. It was all I had prayed for: a man to love and dote on. Alas, Honey was having to work full time, and then come home to care for the apartment and his ailing, emotionally needy wife. Jeremy took it all in stride, with a great attitude and loving, sensitive heart, consistently keeping the house to my standards. I know the last thing he wanted to be doing on his time off was cleaning toilets and doing the grocery shopping, but it all got done with efficiency and thoroughness. I think it was far harder on me because I have always felt my purpose in life was to be a loving wife and mother. I felt like I was failing at both jobs. I could not care for my husband the way I wanted to. I couldn't even be pregnant "right." All I could do was lay in that bed, helplessly watching other people do my jobs. And so, I started down a long road to learn a hard lesson: How to let go of control and ask others for help.

Other random side effects:

I really could only stomach ice cream during these weeks. I existed on ice cream and still lost weight. I've never been able to claim that before or since!

No one in my family would allow me to drive a car for some reason. Thus I was chauffeured everywhere I went...which was really just to the doctor and back home again. It was very odd not to drive for weeks on end. (Eventually we just loaned my car out, since I seriously did not drive one mile for 7 months.)

Highway billboards on the way to the doctor have never been so intriguing. After staring at my bedroom walls for hours at a time, even Highway 75 was scenic!

Jeremy subscribed to Blockbuster on-line. Unlimited old movies (Shirley Temple always cheered me up!) to help me while away the hours.

I had to ask Jeremy to buy my "feminine hygiene products." How humbling for this shy bride! I'm sure he wasn't too pleased about it either, but he did it with a smile!

I got hooked on "Dawson's Creek." Two episodes came on every single day, and I watched them all! You've got to love teen drama!

Episode 4: Setting a Trend

Eight weeks pregnant.

Here I was, once again on the sono table, hoping for good news with racing heart and sweaty palms. This last week of bed rest had definitely been more restful as far as activity level, but the bleeding and cramping persisted to the point of worry for my still-learning to trust mind.

The sono tech was perfectly sweet and caring. The only way we could sense something might be wrong was the amount of time she spent searching around my fairly tiny uterus. Who knew what she was looking for. All I clung to was Jeremy's equally sweaty hand and the tiniest of blipping dots on the screen: baby's heartbeat, still going strong.

After the sono, we sat down with my beloved doctor.

"Things are not looking great, Folks."

My heart sunk...I mean plummeted to the depths.

What can she mean? The heartbeat was there! I saw it!

This is when a trend started. She spoke the words I heard over and over again for the next 20 weeks:

"If you make it that far..."

"You will be on bed rest for a long time, if you make it that far."

In answer to my questions about up-coming appointments or plan of action, she would preface with, "If you make it that far..."

Not that she was being cruel, just realistic. The clot had doubled in size from the time of my last appointment. It was now about triple the size of the tiny baby. Would it overtake the fetus? Would my body try to expel the entire contents of my uterus? It seemed likely. Devastation.

So the good news I was hoping for was not forth-coming, but at least the baby was still alive and I had the sono pictures and video to prove it.

What am I to be learning, Lord God?

I would have the next two (very long) weeks to pray and listen to God's heart.

Episode 3: Working Woman

I had been given the all-clear to return to work. My job is a NICU nurse in a Level 3 NICU, my dream job. I love, love ministering to families in crisis, nursing the tiniest of babies to health, witnessing daily miracles as God develops these children that should still be tucked safely inside their mommies...and the adrenaline rush and high tech atmosphere. I work twelve hour shifts, mostly spent on my feet, so I was a little nervous to be there after a whole week of just laying around.

After only an hour or two at work, I once again had blood running down my leg. Embarrassing, but sadly true. I frantically called my doctor. I was scared, especially since the cramping had worsened in intensity. I had hoped we were beyond this fear and worry since I had been given the all-clear! Why was I already back in panic mode, sure I was losing the baby?

So back to the doc I go. Thankfully Jeremy's boss is a wonder and let him off for yet another afternoon to be with me. Another sono. Baby's heart is still beating!! Oh, merciful Father, thank You for intervening on our behalf yet again! It seemed that the empty sack where twin had been had developed into a clot and was causing some irritation inside. It was not all that bad. Things were sure to settle down. We just needed to give it a few more days for the clot to absorb.

Home I went for another week of bed rest. I guess I needed a little more work on the entrusting lesson.

Episode 2: Not So Restful Bed Rest

The next week was not nearly as restful as I had thought it would be.

First of all, we closed on our dream house! I had been given the doctor's blessing to leave my couch for a few hours to go sign the mound of paperwork required. What a TRUE blessing this house was (and it became an even huger blessing as this story unfolds)! We closed in July, but the previous owners were going to rent the house back from us until October, which was right when our lease at our apartment was up. God's timing is perfect! Once papers were signed, it was back to bed for me!

The other reason for the lack of rest was psychological. I had some major anxiety going on, and the light bleeding and twingy cramps I continued to experience were not helping! True, I enjoyed my fair share of made-for-TV movies and take out, but even these perks of bedrest were overshadowed by the unrest in my heart. Would my baby be okay? I guess I was on a path to learn the "entrusting things to God alone" lesson once again.

After the week was up, I visited with my wonderful doc again. She cleared me to go back to work! Everything looked great! Baby is great; mommy is great; daddy is very nervous, but still great.

Great! Back to work I go! Praise the Lord!

Episode 1: In the Beginning

In the beginning, there was a new bride and her dashing husband. Life was wonderful. The bride's heart's desire was for a big family full of bouncing, happy babies. The husband agreed. After a trip to the girly doctor, however, that dream became a bit more complicated. It seemed the bride (let me switch to first person...so much easier!) It seemed that I had polycystic ovaries, the number one cause of major fertility problems in young women. I was greatly saddened, but Jeremy and I decided to just have faith and see what God did. We thought it would take at least a year for us to get pregnant, and so we decided to stop using birth control right away. That is how we became pregnant eight months into our marriage on our first "try"! What a miracle!!

We were surly high on a mountain top! We were madly in love and enjoying the newness of life together, God had granted us a teeny-tiny bun in the oven, and we had just started the bidding process on a house that would be perfect for our growing family. I can remember a specific conversation with Jeremy, laying in bed on a sun-dappled Saturday morning, about how richly God had blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. We were soaking up the time on top of the mountain, knowing it could not last forever, but so thankful to be there.

When I was six weeks pregnant, I started spotting, just a little. I knew enough about the beginning process of pregnancy. "It's just my little guy implanting," I convinced myself and went about my day. Within a few hours I began bleeding heavily, blood running down my leg at Target. "This can't be good," I thought, running to the car, crying hard. I rushed home and called a dear friend. I knew I was losing my baby. Sobbing to her, she asked me if I had called my ob. "No! She can't do anything if it is a miscarriage." She convinced me to call, and my wonderful ob had me rush right in to check for a beating heart. I met Jeremy, who was quietly crying standing in the parking lot, at the doctor's office. "Lord of all mercies, spare our child, if it is Your divine will, "we cried together.

Miracle of all miracles, the heart was beating,

strongly,

steadily!

God of wonders! Thank you!

Baby #1's First Photo

The doctor found a second egg sack, but one that lacked a beating heart. Twins initially, but no more. That was probably the cause of the bleeding. We were saddened at the loss of one, but we had not known it existed. So although there was a twinge of grief, we were elated that one heart was beating strongly!

At doctor's orders, I was to head home and be on bed rest for the next week. Then everything would be fine! So home we went for a little R&R. An entire week of no work, movie watching, pampering by hubby, all with a safe tiny baby tucked inside. Things could definitely be worse!