"No Big Pokes 'Llowed!"

It's been almost five months since Nosy's diagnosis. I haven't given an update in awhile, so here it is...but first, here's a pic of The Little Man himself:

He's wonderful and happy and amazing and growing like a weed! Healthy? It's hard to say. We have had a couple of spurts of 2-2 1/2 days of good blood sugars in a row. During those times, great rejoicing can be heard throughout The House of Halpin. And we dare to wonder if we've finally stumbled upon Nosy's "sweet spot." Sadly, these great days are never long-lasting. He vacillates between being too high and too low, and both ends of the spectrum stress this Mommy out.

We continue to work with the doctors and practitioners each week, tweaking Noah's carbs to units of insulin ratio and his long-acting insulin dose. I guess we keep hoping and praying that we will eventually find the right combination to keep Noah in balance. There are so many other variables that affect him though. I have heard recently that even a weather front can make his sugars swing. A month ago, we were really struggling to keep his numbers in range. I just happened to get a glimpse inside his mouth and realized he was cutting his two year molars. Mystery solved, but the highs and lows still have to be dealt with.

Noah and I have both been struggling psychologically. I guess I thought it would get easier with time. Instead, Nose has started resisting his "big pokes," fighting me and running away. It breaks my heart to have to chase down my sweet toddler, needle in hand, and restrain him while jabbing him with a needle. He screams, I am often in tears, and O just sits by and watches the scene play out. When the shot is all done, he usually shouts at the top of his lungs, "NO BIG POKES 'LLOWED!!!!" The anger...it worries me, but I don't know what to do about it.

It is usually better when other people are around. We whisper in his ear, "Let's show them all how brave you are. You are the bravest Boy." Today he whispered back, "I don't want to be brave anymore." Breaks. my. heart. in. two.

We are in the middle of our hardest week yet since leaving the hospital. Not only have his numbers been way too high and way too low, they have been swinging with no rhyme nor reason at all, with complete unpredictability. I am so stressed and worried. I find myself laying awake for hours on end at night, checking his blood sugar every couple of hours all night long. I am so afraid I will find him in a diabetic coma one of these nights. I know I need to turn the whole thing over to God. I have turned Nosy over to God, repeatedly actually. He is the one ultimately caring for, loving Noah, and yet I still can't rest easily for some reason. I am a mess.

So that is where we are on the diabetic front. The plain, ugly truth. I really thought I'd deal with this better than I am. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation. Maybe it's lack of trust in the only One who can fix the situation. Regardless, I pray for strength, for faith, for wisdom for all of us.

Just look at this face, these eyes. What a miracle this Boy of mine is already. I am so thankful for him.

giving my legs a squeeze