The God Who Sees Me

Disclaimer:

If you are not interested in a post mostly about diabetes, you might as well skip this post.

I have been struggling, struggling, struggling. Really struggling. Diabetes is over-taking my whole life. Noah is having such an awful time and no matter what we do, he is not improving. It breaks my heart, stresses me out, frustrates me immensely. I ache for Noah.

Let me back up a bit. Things with the Omnipod overall are improving. Although we still have many more malfunctions than the average person (at least one a week), Nosy is happy with having fewer shots. About a month ago, Noah announced, after weeks of crazy, full-blown fits whenever we had to change his pod, that he was no longer going to scream and cry. It did not help it hurt any less. And so now he doesn't. It was that easy. He decided and that was it. Now he just squeezes the tar out of my hand and squeezes his eyes shut really, really tight until it's over. My brave, brave, super mature Boy. Breaks. my. heart.

Anyway, the pod is going better, but Noah's sugars continue to be AWFUL!! They swing from super high to super low all day long. This weekend, we had 7 very low sugars in a 24 hour period followed by 18 hours of sugars in the high 300's. (Noah's ideal blood sugar is 160. His acceptable range is 100-200.) Jeremy and I organize all of his data in a spreadsheet and just stare at it, sick to our stomachs, for hours, trying to tweak this and inch that up or down, trying to keep Noah in range. It is not working. The hospital has said we are on our own. "Bring your data to the hospital every 3 months for his check-up. Otherwise only call in an emergency." And good luck with that! I've had two emergencies in that past 2 months and, not only did I not get to talk to a nurse right away, I did not get called back for over 3 hours each time. We are at our wit's end! We have gone from checking Nosy's sugars 6-7 times a day to now checking at least 9 times a day, usually at least 3 times in the middle of the night. I think about diabetes constantly. I can not look at sweet Nosy without analyzing his coloring, his activity level, his mood, wondering if he is too high or too low. It makes me nauseous.

And poor Noah. As he gets older, the swings are effecting him much more dramatically. When he is low, it is as if he is having a panic attack in the midst of a really severe temper tantrum. He gets unreasonable, screaming and crying and thrashing. He can not control himself. Thankfully, I have learned to check his sugar prior to disciplining him. The highs make Nosy crazy-hyper, uncontrollable, with absolutely no attention span. He can't sit still or concentrate at all.

So do you see why diabetes is all-consuming? It used to be bad, but not nearly this bad. And so I've been praying a lot about it. A lot.

This is what I have learned.

God is in charge of Noah.

God loves Noah more than Jeremy and I love Noah.

God holds precious Noah in the palm of His hand.

He has proven this to me over and over. I can not tell you how many times I startle awake in the middle of the night, thinking, Noah must be low (even though all rationality would say it would be impossible for him to be low based on earlier circumstances in the night). I try to shake it off and go back to sleep, but I can't. I get up, check Nosy and, sure enough, low. That is God taking care of Noah.

What a comfort!!

One time, I sat up in bed, wide awake, confident something was wrong with Nosy. I ran in to his room to hear the pod malfunction alarm ringing. He was under so many blankets that I couldn't hear the alarm on the baby monitor. I had already done my last blood sugar check for the night, so if God had not wakened me up, Noah would have gone for several hours without any insulin.

God is taking care of Noah always, especially when I can not.

I have been reading Genesis in my quiet time lately. I love how Hagar calls the LORD "The God who sees me" (Gen 16:13). God sees me. He sees me struggle. He sees me worry and fret and try to control things the best I can. He sees me try to keep it all together and be productive when all I really want to do is crawl in bed and bawl. He sees me. And He loves me. And He is with me very step of the way. And not only that. Those promises are true for Noah too. He is always watching over my Noah. I praise Him for these truths and how He has lived them out in my life. I can trust the God who sees me. And sees Noah. And loves us so. And that is all I need to do right now. Trust Him.