Not that she was being cruel, just realistic. The clot had doubled in size from the time of my last appointment. It was now about triple the size of the tiny baby. Would it overtake the fetus? Would my body try to expel the entire contents of my uterus? It seemed likely. Devastation.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Episode 4: Setting a Trend
Eight weeks pregnant.
Here I was, once again on the sono table, hoping for good news with racing heart and sweaty palms. This last week of bed rest had definitely been more restful as far as activity level, but the bleeding and cramping persisted to the point of worry for my still-learning to trust mind.
The sono tech was perfectly sweet and caring. The only way we could sense something might be wrong was the amount of time she spent searching around my fairly tiny uterus. Who knew what she was looking for. All I clung to was Jeremy's equally sweaty hand and the tiniest of blipping dots on the screen: baby's heartbeat, still going strong.
After the sono, we sat down with my beloved doctor.
"Things are not looking great, Folks."
My heart sunk...I mean plummeted to the depths.
What can she mean? The heartbeat was there! I saw it!
This is when a trend started. She spoke the words I heard over and over again for the next 20 weeks:
"If you make it that far..."
"You will be on bed rest for a long time, if you make it that far."
In answer to my questions about up-coming appointments or plan of action, she would preface with, "If you make it that far..."
Not that she was being cruel, just realistic. The clot had doubled in size from the time of my last appointment. It was now about triple the size of the tiny baby. Would it overtake the fetus? Would my body try to expel the entire contents of my uterus? It seemed likely. Devastation.
So the good news I was hoping for was not forth-coming, but at least the baby was still alive and I had the sono pictures and video to prove it.
What am I to be learning, Lord God?
I would have the next two (very long) weeks to pray and listen to God's heart.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Episode 3: Working Woman
I had been given the all-clear to return to work. My job is a NICU nurse in a Level 3 NICU, my dream job. I love, love ministering to families in crisis, nursing the tiniest of babies to health, witnessing daily miracles as God develops these children that should still be tucked safely inside their mommies...and the adrenaline rush and high tech atmosphere. I work twelve hour shifts, mostly spent on my feet, so I was a little nervous to be there after a whole week of just laying around.
After only an hour or two at work, I once again had blood running down my leg. Embarrassing, but sadly true. I frantically called my doctor. I was scared, especially since the cramping had worsened in intensity. I had hoped we were beyond this fear and worry since I had been given the all-clear! Why was I already back in panic mode, sure I was losing the baby?
So back to the doc I go. Thankfully Jeremy's boss is a wonder and let him off for yet another afternoon to be with me. Another sono. Baby's heart is still beating!! Oh, merciful Father, thank You for intervening on our behalf yet again! It seemed that the empty sack where twin had been had developed into a clot and was causing some irritation inside. It was not all that bad. Things were sure to settle down. We just needed to give it a few more days for the clot to absorb.
Home I went for another week of bed rest. I guess I needed a little more work on the entrusting lesson.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Episode 2: Not So Restful Bed Rest
The next week was not nearly as restful as I had thought it would be.
First of all, we closed on our dream house! I had been given the doctor's blessing to leave my couch for a few hours to go sign the mound of paperwork required. What a TRUE blessing this house was (and it became an even huger blessing as this story unfolds)! We closed in July, but the previous owners were going to rent the house back from us until October, which was right when our lease at our apartment was up. God's timing is perfect! Once papers were signed, it was back to bed for me!
The other reason for the lack of rest was psychological. I had some major anxiety going on, and the light bleeding and twingy cramps I continued to experience were not helping! True, I enjoyed my fair share of made-for-TV movies and take out, but even these perks of bedrest were overshadowed by the unrest in my heart. Would my baby be okay? I guess I was on a path to learn the "entrusting things to God alone" lesson once again.
After the week was up, I visited with my wonderful doc again. She cleared me to go back to work! Everything looked great! Baby is great; mommy is great; daddy is very nervous, but still great.
Great! Back to work I go! Praise the Lord!
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Episode 1: In the Beginning
In the beginning, there was a new bride and her dashing husband. Life was wonderful. The bride's heart's desire was for a big family full of bouncing, happy babies. The husband agreed. After a trip to the girly doctor, however, that dream became a bit more complicated. It seemed the bride (let me switch to first person...so much easier!) It seemed that I had polycystic ovaries, the number one cause of major fertility problems in young women. I was greatly saddened, but Jeremy and I decided to just have faith and see what God did. We thought it would take at least a year for us to get pregnant, and so we decided to stop using birth control right away. That is how we became pregnant eight months into our marriage on our first "try"! What a miracle!!
We were surly high on a mountain top! We were madly in love and enjoying the newness of life together, God had granted us a teeny-tiny bun in the oven, and we had just started the bidding process on a house that would be perfect for our growing family. I can remember a specific conversation with Jeremy, laying in bed on a sun-dappled Saturday morning, about how richly God had blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. We were soaking up the time on top of the mountain, knowing it could not last forever, but so thankful to be there.
When I was six weeks pregnant, I started spotting, just a little. I knew enough about the beginning process of pregnancy. "It's just my little guy implanting," I convinced myself and went about my day. Within a few hours I began bleeding heavily, blood running down my leg at Target. "This can't be good," I thought, running to the car, crying hard. I rushed home and called a dear friend. I knew I was losing my baby. Sobbing to her, she asked me if I had called my ob. "No! She can't do anything if it is a miscarriage." She convinced me to call, and my wonderful ob had me rush right in to check for a beating heart. I met Jeremy, who was quietly crying standing in the parking lot, at the doctor's office. "Lord of all mercies, spare our child, if it is Your divine will, "we cried together.
Baby #1's First Photo
The doctor found a second egg sack, but one that lacked a beating heart. Twins initially, but no more. That was probably the cause of the bleeding. We were saddened at the loss of one, but we had not known it existed. So although there was a twinge of grief, we were elated that one heart was beating strongly!
At doctor's orders, I was to head home and be on bed rest for the next week. Then everything would be fine! So home we went for a little R&R. An entire week of no work, movie watching, pampering by hubby, all with a safe tiny baby tucked inside. Things could definitely be worse!
Miracle of all miracles, the heart was beating,
steadily!
strongly,
steadily!
God of wonders! Thank you!
Baby #1's First Photo
The doctor found a second egg sack, but one that lacked a beating heart. Twins initially, but no more. That was probably the cause of the bleeding. We were saddened at the loss of one, but we had not known it existed. So although there was a twinge of grief, we were elated that one heart was beating strongly!
At doctor's orders, I was to head home and be on bed rest for the next week. Then everything would be fine! So home we went for a little R&R. An entire week of no work, movie watching, pampering by hubby, all with a safe tiny baby tucked inside. Things could definitely be worse!
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