Epsiode 7: Admitted at 13 Weeks

What a great week! Two fun outings and a relaxed frame of mind. I could handle this not-so-stressful type of bedrest.

After a delish dinner at Mom and Dad's, Jeremy and I headed home to watch a movie. Not too much past the opening credits, however, I could tell something was not right. (This may get a little uncomfortably graphic...especially for people such as my dad and dad-in-law...you may want to just skim this next part.) I kept sensing odd gushes. Rushing to the potty, there was once again blood running down my leg into puddles on the floor. That's never good. "Just take deep breaths, Rae. It'll pass," I kept telling myself. I cleaned up and headed back to bed to watch some more movie. I was pretty crampy but not doubled over, so I hesitated mentioning anything to Jeremy. (Jeremy and I do so well together. He is prone to panicking, while I way under-react to things like this. What a great balance! Part of my under-reacting, however: not mentioning possibly important facts.) After about ten minutes had passed, I was noticeably damp, as were my pj's and the sheets. Hmmm. Maybe this justifies telling my husband. Panic ensued and he immediately started packing to head to the ER. Meanwhile, I was soaking through overnight pads every 5-10 minutes. At this point, I conceded that maybe I did need some medical attention.

Having never done this before, we headed to the Baylor ER (Instead of going straight to L&D triage, which we soon learned is much better equipped for such occurrences. We just weren't thinking.). Jeremy was really freaking out, which helped me remain calm somehow. (Isn't it cool how God works that out between couples?) I surely was scared for the baby, but somehow it all seemed kind of surreal, even as it was happening. Maybe it was the drastic blood loss? I don't know. We were seen immediately by the ER doctor, who was an incredibly young, uncomfortable with gushing blood from down there type of guy. After a quick sono, it was determined that Baby was doing just great, not stressed out at all by this incredible blood loss, happy as a bug in a rug swimming around inside...and what a cutie he was! Just glimpsing the little guy made everything seem so much more okay. The docs ran a ton of tests, sent every type of sample imaginable, and then shuttled me off to a room to spend the next couple of days on IV fluids. Thankfully, I never needed a blood transfusion, to the great surprise of all involved.

The bleeding ebbed and flowed (literally) for the next two days. My doctor wanted to keep me until one pad was lasting longer than an hour. This did not happen until late the next day. Again, my wonderful doc was amazed that my hematocrit never dropped below that magical number of needing a transfusion. We were privileged to get two more sonos during my stay. Just seeing my tiny jumping bean gave me so much peace and hope. Not only was he doing okay, he was absolutely perfect. He? No we did not find out the gender. Still way too early and we were hoping to keep it a surprise. We just always referred to the baby as a he, and in our hearts his name was already Owen (more on that later!).

So what exactly was wrong with me? It was that durned clot. It was still growing by leaps and bounds. The more I bled, the bigger it grew, causing me to bleed more. A vicious cycle. So what was the plan? Again, I heard way too many times, "If you make it that far..." The clot needed to come out for the baby to have room to grow and thrive. It was now pretty sizable though, a little larger than a tennis ball. The doctor was worried that I would have to dilate for it to pass, and if I dilated there was a very good chance the baby would be delivered too. There was nothing we could do but wait, lay very still and wait. Good-bye outings! I was put back on strict bedrest, only permitted to take a quick shower and use the restroom.

Lord!

Show me your face in this scary time. May I cling to you. Reveal your character more fully to me through this trial. Help me to take my anxious thoughts captive and commit them to you. You are in control and love this child more than we could ever love it. You have a perfect plan. May I rest in you. May this be a time of active learning while I rest. I do not want this time to go to waste.

Episode 6: The Purple Pill and Things Are Looking Up!

Two weeks later, now a whopping 12 weeks preggers (Do I hear a hoo-ha for making it through the first trimester?!), things were looking up. After losing five more pounds and a barrage of yucky tests, I was diagnosed with a gastric ulcer provoked by pregnancy hormones. Thus began my love affair with a miraculous purple pill: Nexium. Double the normal dose and a week or two later, and I was a whole new woman!

I was feeling so relieved, physically and emotionally, having made it past the normal range of usual miscarriages. Now that I was feeling better, I anticipated that bedrest would become more of a sacrifice than it had been. But more great news! At my 12 week ob appointment, my beloved doctor released me to have more light outings. Nothing huge and not every day, but maybe I could sit quietly at the movies or go to my Mom's house for dinner. I followed directions to the tee by meeting the Halpin side of the fam girls to catch a movie and a few days later warming my Mom's couch to enjoy a family dinner. Oh, thank you, Lord. I loved being up and about a bit with more to look forward to than the next episode of Dawson's Creek.

Episode 5: Side Effects

Being a pregnant newlywed, on bedrest, has its side effects, physical and emotional.

First of all, the physical. I was suffering from some sort of strange ailment. By the time of my next appointment at 10 weeks, I had lost more than 15 pounds. I couldn't eat because of horrific stomach pain. At first, I was encouraged. "Oh! I'm morning sick! That means the pregnancy is still sticking!" I was almost thankful for the shooting pains that kept me in the fetal position for most of the day, convinced it was a good sign. (I promise you I am not being dramatic here. Jeremy found me in the fetal position every day after work.) But after discussing my symptoms with a few girlfriends, I discovered that what I was experiencing was far from morning sickness. With the fear of sounding like a complaining baby to my ob (I should just be grateful I was still pregnant...and I was grateful, just in a lot of PAIN!), I finally confessed my symptoms. She had sensed something was wrong when I almost passed out from lack of calories walking to her office. She scheduled a battery of tests for me and an appointment with a gastroenterologist.

Emotionally, I was also struggling. Here I was, a newlywed, so excited to have set up apartment life with my Honey. It was all I had prayed for: a man to love and dote on. Alas, Honey was having to work full time, and then come home to care for the apartment and his ailing, emotionally needy wife. Jeremy took it all in stride, with a great attitude and loving, sensitive heart, consistently keeping the house to my standards. I know the last thing he wanted to be doing on his time off was cleaning toilets and doing the grocery shopping, but it all got done with efficiency and thoroughness. I think it was far harder on me because I have always felt my purpose in life was to be a loving wife and mother. I felt like I was failing at both jobs. I could not care for my husband the way I wanted to. I couldn't even be pregnant "right." All I could do was lay in that bed, helplessly watching other people do my jobs. And so, I started down a long road to learn a hard lesson: How to let go of control and ask others for help.

Other random side effects:

I really could only stomach ice cream during these weeks. I existed on ice cream and still lost weight. I've never been able to claim that before or since!

No one in my family would allow me to drive a car for some reason. Thus I was chauffeured everywhere I went...which was really just to the doctor and back home again. It was very odd not to drive for weeks on end. (Eventually we just loaned my car out, since I seriously did not drive one mile for 7 months.)

Highway billboards on the way to the doctor have never been so intriguing. After staring at my bedroom walls for hours at a time, even Highway 75 was scenic!

Jeremy subscribed to Blockbuster on-line. Unlimited old movies (Shirley Temple always cheered me up!) to help me while away the hours.

I had to ask Jeremy to buy my "feminine hygiene products." How humbling for this shy bride! I'm sure he wasn't too pleased about it either, but he did it with a smile!

I got hooked on "Dawson's Creek." Two episodes came on every single day, and I watched them all! You've got to love teen drama!